can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
