I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize