the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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