I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
