i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
