...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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