After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think a kid would responsible me up
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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