Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
