The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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