wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
