he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
