Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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