Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
