YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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