FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
