fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
