Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
