I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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