why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
