Define "chronic" masturbator.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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