remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
