My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
