The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
