Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
