It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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