Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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