I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
