So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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