I feel great
I just peed on a car
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Ladies don't puke and tell
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
