Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
