ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
