She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
