Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
