mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
