Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize