you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
