and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
