Cold hands, warm shart.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
