69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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