New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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