We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
