Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
