Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
