I feel great
I just peed on a car
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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