After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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