Rock
Scissors
Fuck
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize