A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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