i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
