I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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