I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
