Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
