Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
