Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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