I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
