remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
