I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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