I'm jealous of your bromance
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
