Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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