Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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